The other day, my wife and I both woke up on the chilliest morning we’ve had yet this fall- 33º! The house was still warm enough with the new windows and doors we had installed throughout the house this summer, which I was and am very grateful for! We snuggled up on the couch with our coffee and our fluffy gray cat, Blue, and talked. Most mornings we make it a point to take some time to connect before we go about our day, and I find this to be a wonderful practice to do with your partner. Connecting each day was something we didn’t have much time for before when I was still working as a nurse earlier this year, so I appreciate this activity that much more! We try to stay off our phones and computers during this time, however that morning we decided to plan and book a secluded Vermont trip for our upcoming wedding anniversary in November.
After our connection on the couch, we did some brief morning asana yoga to stretch ourselves out, then we made breakfast. We’ll typically make and eat the same thing, however that particular morning, I was in the mood for a breakfast sandwich. I already had a plan which I put into motion: a breakfast sandwich with buttered pan-toasted sourdough bread with warmed leftover shaved tri-tip steak, melted blue cheese crumbles, red onion, and a runny fried egg. Half an avocado on the side. It was divine. My wife had eggs and the other half of the avocado. We try to make it a habit not to eat that much red meat, and we’ve been cutting down on the coffee, but the coffee intake has been ramping up again lately. Probably because we’ve been spending the past month and a half painting our house, which was taking a lot of time and energy. So, my wife and I go about our day, but we see each other throughout as we both now work from home. Almost every night we do a medium-level crossword in bed together as yet another bonding activity, which helps us wind down for the night.
These summer days have allowed me to appreciate “slowing down” and to enjoy these finer moments, as I was used to rushing out the door for years. I left the traditional workforce for a reason, and honestly, it would be hard for me to go back to that model. I worked in a highly toxic environment for my final year of nursing, and I took that as a sign that I needed to switch gears. I was a nurse for 7 ½ years (but worked at the hospital for 11 years), and when I think about how I originally thought that I had finally found what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I realized that I was deluding myself by working for the Machine. I was able to escape mostly unscathed and thus began my “summer of healing.”
My summer entailed physical rehab (physical therapy with exercises to help strengthen my back) and self-involved mental rehab to curtail my generalized anxiety that I always knew was there, but that which I never addressed. Even though I consider myself to be very in touch with my emotions, for years I muffled them with alcohol so I didn’t have to address my inner myself. After leaving the healthcare industry, I was able to quit drinking about 95%. I wasn’t planning on doing that; it just happened that way. Since then, I wake up with a clearer head, and I am more likely to be motivated to do other things. I don’t exactly meditate every day, but I’ve been able to go for more walks with my wife as well, which is a form of meditation. More than once lately, my wife has looked at me and commented on how much more relaxed I look. I consider that a win!
I had gone through most of my life in a higher gear, I always felt like a failure even when that wasn’t the case, and sometimes people around me suffered because of it. For that, I am eternally sorry, but I can’t change the past. All I can do is accept that that was how I used to be and move on. I’ve also learned that I can only control my own actions and not those of anyone else. I removed the toxic people from my life when I could, or I at least distanced myself from them the best I can, and I must accept that that’s who they are. I also can’t control the declining state of our country or the never-ending wars going on around the world, either. My greatest wish is that everyone treats everyone else in the world with kindness and respect, but that increasingly seems to be a lost cause. What I can do is continue to hold the door open for people, look someone in the eye when I say, “thank you,” give a compliment when someone least expects it, and listen when others are talking and not just to wait for my turn to talk over them.
If it wasn’t evident before, the theme of this post is gratitude. I know I’ve been lucky this summer to be able to take time off for myself when very few people have that luxury. I also know that there are millions of people suffering in the world. These are other things that I can’t control. But I can be grateful for the things I have in my life. I’m grateful for a good family, I’m grateful for my wonderful wife and wonderful daughter who just started middle school and joined the cross-country running team and is now playing the trombone, I’m grateful for my progression as a human being, I’m grateful that we have a roof over our heads, that we live on a dirt road to walk down, for my education, for my friends, and I’m grateful that we live in Vermont. There are many other things that I’m grateful for, but you get the idea.
Here’s a practice that I’m still learning to appreciate, since I’ve conditioned myself for my entire life that I’m not good enough: pause for a minute to take a deep breath and appreciate who you are, or who you see yourself becoming. Close your eyes and push aside the negative thoughts that bring you down. Believe that you can be a better person, that you are worthy, and be grateful for existing. Someone loves you for who you are. Never forget that. My wife taught me that I am loved exactly for who I am, which is something I also tell her all the time. I need to start believing in myself so I can continue to take those steps toward who and what I really want to be.
